


Inhibiting Happiness

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Angst with a kinda happy ending, But he understands, Cuddling, Depression, Draco is depressed, Draco likes Harry's jumpers, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Fuzzy Jumpers, Harry Wants To Help, M/M, Sad, That it's hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-12
Updated: 2016-06-12
Packaged: 2018-07-14 16:44:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7180949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Draco is feeling down, just lying on the couch in his and Harry's flat. He's stuck in his own thoughts, and Harry wants to help him.  <b>!!!! TRIGGER WARNING</b> depression, suicidal thoughts, holding a knife to skin (no actual cutting), and self-destructive thoughts. Someone pointed this out to me, and I realised I should put a warning in: this fic is sortof a reference to the recent Orlando shooting. I am sorry if that is too triggering for you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Inhibiting Happiness

**Author's Note:**

> So, I was feeling a bit down. Early this morning in Florida there was a shooting at a gay nightclub and over 50 people died and more than the same were injured. I just had some thoughts about it, and since I have no SO to comfort me, I decided to live vicariously through Draco and Harry. I myself suffer from depression, and I did my best to make this as representable and realistic as possible. Although, please note that each person's depression is different so this in no way is speaking fir the entirety of the disorder, simply from my experience and from friend's own experiences. Also, I've always thought depression is too often romanticized and overlooked in these types of stories, and I've tried very hard to overcome that. Please know that depression is REAL and VALID and that it's HARD. And please don't ever invalidate our infantile someone who has it.
> 
> Tumblr: http://solemnlyswearwrites.tumblr.com

Draco knew that he had hit a low. They happened, they were part if his life, and usually he could work his way through them on his own, albeit with much difficulty. But this time, Draco had been watching the news. He had seen that there was a mass shooting at a gay nightclub nearby, and he was just _feeling_ so much. He was angry. Angry at the world, angry at the people on twitter and everyone else saying that they were **happy** this happened, that those people had _deserved it_ because they were gay. He was sad. He was sad at the many deaths. The needless deaths. He was sad that this was the world he lived in. He was afraid. He thought, that could have been me. It could have been him, he had been to the nightclub several times, he had been to the nightclub with _Harry_ . God, what if they had been there. Harry could have died. Draco was unsure how he would react if Harry died. He knew there would be pain, so much pain. But he was unsure how it would work. Would gee break apart slowly? Unraveling like frayed seams, together but broken? Or would he become frozen, unable to function as a Human being? Or perhaps, he would simply shatter on the spot, become a thousand pieces of what had been? 

But the thought that ran behind all of this, the one he was fixing on, is that it _should have been him._ He should have died. He loved in this cruel, awful world. He didn't even amount to much. Just a barista at a shit café. He had no friends. His parents had disowned him and moved across the world. He didn't even deserve his boyfriend. He knew that Harry would be sad if he died, but he knew that he could eventually move past it. He has a support circle, a small one, But he had one none the less. He has others who love him, but Draco only had Harry, and he really did not deserve him. Harry's... well, amazing. He's charismatic, kind, caring, empathetic, and witty and wonderful. Draco is... irritable. Prone to being snappy and a bit if a piss-baby. He's grouchy in the mornings and rarely skies through the night. He's clingy and needy and sometimes he felt add though Harry must be irritated with how much Draco needs him. So maybe if he died, Harry could be better off, not having to deal with Draco. Free to do whatever he wanted. 

Draco stood, and walked into their kitchen. Stared at the knife rack. He picked one up, and turned it over and over in his palm. He held the knife against the skin if his forearm, but could not bring himself to move the blade. If course, beyond everything, he was a fucking _coward_. Draco slammed the knife back into its holder and slammed himself onto the floor. Fine, he could not physically scar himself . But he could do it to his insides, to his mind. So Draco threw himself into the bored if hate that Draco had grown inside his mind. Useless, irritating, unlovable, weak.... better off dead. 

"Draco? Draco? Draco, love, I'm here. I'm home. I've got you. Talk to me, please. Talk this out with me. Please please please let me help. I just want to help. I love you. Let me help Draco, love, I'm here." Draco slowly became aware someone was speaking. He blinked a couple of times, and it registered. Harry. Harry is holding him. Harry is talking to him. Harry. Draco looks up, and realises there are tears on his face. His palms hurt. He looks down, and sees that he had clenched his fists so hard, his nails had broken the skin of his palms. Blinked again. Looked at Harry. "Love, are you with me?" Draco blinked, not quite yet having the capacity for words. He noded slightly. "Come over to the couch with me, yeah? Then I'll get sone stuff for your hands." Harry gently tugged Draco to his feet, and guided him over to the couch. Draco followed, not feeling much of anything. Draco slumped on the couch, and watched as Harry gave him a small smile and walked toward their bathroom. Draco started at a wall. 

Suddenly, Draco felt a hand at his knee and looked down to see Harry kneeling there, looking up at Draco with an expression he can not read. Silently, he grabs Draco's hands, turns then palm up, and rests them on Draco's knees. Softly, "So you want to talk about it?" Draco nods a bit, and looks back up at the wall. "Did... Did you see about the shooting? The one this morning?" His voice is raspy. "Yes," Harry says softly, "I did." Draco nods again, and feels Harry spreading some sort of cream on his palms. Then, bandages. "I was.... watching the news. Saw about it. Got myself.... Got myself into a bit of a.... spiral. Sad. Angry. I... it..... I'm not... I don't..." He stopped. "It's alright. You don't need words, love. Your number?" Harry had long ago developed a system with Draco, each hunger having a meaning of how Draco was currently feeling, then how far his spiral had gone. It helped Harry know how Draco was feeling when he was struggling to communicate, and a way for Draco to communicate without further triggering himself or causing too much anxiety. He holds up five fingers, then nine. Harry nods his understanding, and ties if the bandages around Draco's hands. He stands,pulling Draco up and to their bedroom. 

Harry strips Draco down to his pants, giving him a nudge towards the bed, and removing his own clothes. He climbs under the covers, and gently tugs Draco over until he's tucked into Harry's side, Draco's head resting in the crook between his neck and shoulders. "Draco? There's some things I think I need to remind you of right now, yeah? Poke me or something when you want to talk." Draco felt, rather than heard Harry take a deep breath. He shifted to get a bit more comfortable, and closed his eyes to listen. "Draco, I love you. I'm in love with you. I Love ask of you, every single piece. I would never leave you. I could never leave you, I think I'd break if I tried. I love you. There are others that love you, you know? Luna. Pansy. Blaise. Remus and Sirius really love you, Draco. Even Ron and Lavender care so much about you. Hermione and Ginny bloody adore you, you bunch of swots. Every single one of them cares about you, Draco. Hell, remember when we went over to Remus and Sirius' and they made you an entirely new batch of brownies because you loved them so much? And yeah, the world is shit. It's shit and people are shit and it sucks . But beyond that, we have happiness. We have love . There's goodness out there, Draco, the world just doesn't show it as much. You're important to me. I love you."  
Draco once again found himself fighting back tears, though these are of a different sort. Relief, happiness, and bittersweet lingered in those tears, and he whispered, "I know. I forget, but I know. And I love you too. Fuck, I love you so much. Thank you for putting up with me. I know this is shit." Harry let out a sigh. "It's not something you have to thank me for Draco. This is a part of you, and I signed up for all of you gladly when we started dating. It does suck sometimes, but I'm glad to just have you, Draco. Just you. All of you." Draco sucked in a breath. "I know. I know, but thank you anyways. Thank you for... understand. Accepting. Knowing that this is a part of me forever, and not trying to change me. I love you." Harry's arms tightened around him. "I love you too, Draco. So much more than should ever be possible. I love you, all of you."

It was not all okay. It was not perfect. It hurt. But it was Harry and it's love and it's there. He would have his ups and downs, there would always be hurt, but there would always be love too. And that, Draco guessed, is what truly matters.

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, that ended up a lot longer than I thought. Thanks for reading! KUDOS and COMMENTS are appreciated! I usually post every 1-2 weeks so subscribe for more. I am also looking for a Beta, so please message me if you are interested.


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